Friday, July 25, 2008

Meet Cliff

My poor suffering blog. I haven’t posted to you, my valiant and gentle readers in quite some time now. I apologize. Not for lack of quality material, I kid you not, but more for lack of motivation (please ref to previous postings). Agh, the mysterious, elusive motivation. Alas! Sweet one, when did you leave my life? Are you ever to return? Dr. Who is not the same without you as part of life.

Enough lamenting, on to bigger and better things: bugs. We are in the middle of the hot bed of summer here in the Carolinas, and with the over-the-top temperatures comes with it the over-the-top insects. Have you heard the expression, “they grow them big down in the south?” That phrase is based in truth. I cannot even describe the types of creatures I have encountered here. It was like the earth’s core opened up and the beasts that feed off the hot magma, demanding reprieve and variety, crawled out to the surface us measly humans inhabit and decided to take up base. These insects magically traverse wood, concrete, and stone to enter homes and thrive in their cool interior. No form of poison is equipped to combat their amour-like exoskeletons.

Case in point: Cliff. Cliff entered my life a couple of weeks ago. I noticed him immediately as he took up residence outside (thank the Lord OUTSIDE!) my window next to my door. I have always wanted a dog for companionship, and for protection. I recently learned that I don’t need a dog for these things, I need a giant insect. I was completely frightened of Cliff at first. Under these circumstances my first call of action would be to Raid him, however, due to his size as well as his appearance, he was hugely intimidating. If I did something to upset Cliff, he would beat the crap out of me, I was sure. I decided to therefore leave him alone, with the mentality that if I don’t bother him, he will not bother me. So whenever I left or entered my home I would be greeted by Cliff. I would stop near him (what I considered a safe distance away) and say hello, and he would chomp his antlers at me (what I interpreted as “sh*t lady let a man sun himself in peace!”). We were all cool. The boyfriend soon met Cliff and after some research on his part discovered that Cliff was a male stag beetle (which is good b/c I gave him a boys name). I subsequently learned that Cliff could fly and was relatively harmless, the latter, I still don’t believe.

Say hello to my little friend, Cliff.

This is his better side.

I thought Cliff and I would have a short relationship. I was wrong. He stood guard over my apartment day and night for almost a month. He hardly moved except for waving his “antlers” at me when I said “hi” or “bye”. I felt protected, and secure in the knowledge that Cliff was just outside my door. Then one day, as mysteriously as he appeared, he disappeared. I haven’t seen him since. I have learned from this experience that man and insect *can* co-exist. Well, at least until one party over-steps their bounds and then then someone gets Raided or hit with a giant shoe.


LabTech said...

eeewwww. Oh, and in case you couldn't hear that or it lacked emphasis...let me add EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! I am SOOOO not a bug person! It's one of my major excuses as to why I can't live in the south. Warm weather=big bugs. Bring on the snow baby! LOL

Lil Kate said...

I firmly believe that is the funniest thing you have ever written. I was dying! :) The pictures were just frosting on the cake! I'm sorry Cliff left you, perhaps, Grasshopper, you are ready to venture out on your own. At least you got some kick-a$$ pics! :)

hazard said...

Scary ass beetles are cute. Like stegosauruses and such.

Fare thee well, Cliff. May the road rise to meet you and may the dung be fresh and full of corn.